Why having a visual impairment has made me a better parent

Posted in Sandi's blog on 27 April 2010 | 0 Comments

When Martin was born, my eyesight was ok. When I think about it, I was probably partially sighted, but this was not official because at that time I did not know what those words meant. I was firmly in the mainstream and the words 'impairment' and 'disability' were not in my vernacular either. But as my eyesight started to diminish to the point where I was rapidly moving to the disability side of the street and registered blind, I was pretty convinced, although Mark did assert otherwise, that I was not going to be able to be the parent to Martin that I wanted to be and this scared the living daylights out of me.

I thought that, as my sight gradually deteriorated, so would, bit by bit, my parenting skills. At that stage, I was already unable to do his homework with him, take him to the park, go for a bike ride, and so on. I started to pull back and struggled to find a way to participate. I mean, after all, he was a boy and boys do stuff and stuff usually involves eyesight.

I was fraught with worry and didn’t adapt at my normal breakneck speed. I felt guilty and this was not just regular Jewish mother guilt, but proper “What have I done, what am I doing and how can I put this right?” guilt. I thought that I was doing Martin a disservice and that he would be better off without me. These were not good times. I was truly despondent. I had more questions than answers and I could not see right from wrong. Mark carried on with his assertions, but I wasn’t listening. I just kept on picking holes in his argument. I am useful with words that way, and in this instance probably to my detriment, but then I suddenly turned a corner.

I guess it was a combination of Martin getting that little bit older and me coming to terms with my impairment, but it would appear that these two things collided, in a good way, and my relationship with Martin just clicked. He was old enough now for me to explain things to him, so that he understood why I was not participating in the same way as other moms, why it would not be a good idea to sign me up for the egg and spoon race, but also, and as he becomes a man, probably more importantly, why I am doing all of this charitable and advocacy work and who I have now become as a person, which incidentally, I believe is a far better one than I was before. This new person is also making different decisions about parenting and education, as I was a tad pretentious before all of this and would have certainly made status driven decisions. Now I am making Martin-as-an-individual led decisions. Phew!

Martin is now in his 12th year and our relationship is blossoming. We talk about all sorts of things unique to us, we have our own in-jokes and I am currently teaching him how to research and write when doing his homework. I am parenting with compassion and it feels awesome!

0 comments | Tags: Disability, Education, Family, Parenting