Who is caring for the carers?

Posted in Sandi's blog on 9 February 2010 | 0 Comments

My delicate little ego may try to prevent me from facing up to the fact that Mark is my carer, but it is true. It is what it is. He is my carer, and a damn marvellous one at that. It is a mighty stressful and demanding job and, although there is nothing I can do about it, I do see the toll it takes on him and, if he is not careful, the role of carer could simply consume him.

And being the pigheaded sort that I am, I am hell bent on hanging on to every last shred of independence that I have, and I realise how easily he could lose his, so I have set out to do something about it.

There is nothing, however, that I can do about what has happened historically, as the year or so that I spent navel gazing is gone. This certainly could have been the beginning of the end, as it was a long period of time and Mark, being the incredibly loving and respectful and dignified bloke that he is, gave me a wide berth and put himself aside and I mean wholly, entirely, hook, line and sinker. He must have taken his ego, put it in a box and buried it at the end of our garden, because he just let me be and picked up the slack without me even realising it. I mean, did I actually think that the laundry did itself or that the meals cooked themselves?

But the navel gazing is over and, although he has retrieved his ego from the garden, it needs a bit of attention as it has not been watered or fed. He needs to not be at my beck and call, to not just come running at every frustration or challenge I encounter. He needs to be separate from me, to maintain his individuality and independence as much as I need to. It is essential that he has things that he does for himself and things that he does with Martin without me on a regular basis.

I can see the old Mark coming back to life and, with the lovely folk at Barnet Carers being in regular contact with him if he needs to reach out, he is lucky. But, I do remain in despair about the state of care giving. The role of carer is not simply a practical one. There is a high emotional price that carers pay and this needs to be understood and acknowledged quite urgently.

0 comments | Tags: Family, Independence, Carers